3.08.2010

Progess, Not Perfection

I forget that the negative inner-dialogue has an effect on how I feel about myself and other things in general.

I'm tired, sarcastic and cynical.

This weather today sucks - rain, mist, fog. If I can just make it through this weather, the warmer temps and sunshine are waiting on the other side, I just know it.

I've temporarily lost "the spark" - this past week. My ability to be positive and upbeat seems gone. I've thumbed my nose at all I know I need to do in order to feel better, both physically and mentally. I haven't exercised in days, not even strength training, and I've been eating too much.

I thought I was past this. I had been doing well for a few weeks - not fantastic, but I felt like I was moving forward at least -- making progress. I figured yeah, some days would be more of a challenge than others, but I thought that I could overcome that. Had I made some attempt to fight the blahs, I probably could have. Instead, I completely gave myself over to them.

Work is getting busier - my boss got a promotion of sorts, and while it doesn't necessarily mean a promotion for me, I am very pleased that he still wants to keep me working for him. For the most part, I do like what I do. After a little bit of shopping last week, I now have a couple more pairs of work pants that fit me -- something I *really* needed. Being a bit more 'professional' is a good thing. This "new professionalism", unfortunately, keeps me off the internet for most of the day now. There aren't many people at work that I confide in, or consider friends. At times, I feel pretty isolated. Cutting out the internet makes that worse. It becomes easy for me to retreat into my own little world - just the task list and MiPod (when the boss is out of the office).

At home, the kids have been somewhat cranky and taking it out on me. They don't sass Hubby at all, just me. This weekend could have been worse, but the disrespect still gets pretty old.

This past weekend, I spent Saturday cleaning and straightening. It was nice that the family helped out a bit, very nice. Still, everywhere I looked, something needed to be clean. I'd finish one task and see two more that needed doing. I worked hard, but I don't think I overdid it. I made a list and stuck to it. Once I was done with the list, I stopped. The house was "clean enough" when we were done.

"Focus on PROGESS, not perfection"

That kept running through my head on Saturday. The house wasn't perfectly clean, but I'd made progress, and it felt good. I've made progress on my goals, but not much. A little progress feels good, but now I've stopped.

Instead of staying in bed this morning, or curling up into a ball under a blanket on the couch (which is what I really want to do), I'm at work... albeit reluctantly. I've told myself that I'm going to start over today -- that today is a good day -- that TODAY I'll do better. Better at work, better with the kids, better with the husband, better "inside".

I will. I have to. I will I will I will...

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