6.13.2013

I'm working on it...

So, it's time for the Dad thing again. It gets me every year.

 The first post/social media status update/news article/commercial I hear around this time of year about Father's Day --"Do something special for your Father this year..." "What Dad doesn't deserve this special thing..." "Show your Dad you love him..." -- usually makes me snork in derision. That is my default emotion/reaction when faced with "how special Dads are." In my darker moments, there are a few choice remarks that come to mind.

That reaction is stupid. I'm nearly 45 years old. You'd think I'd be over this by now. I like to think I am. Then Father's Day reappears.

Dit and I grew up without a father around. Simple story. Mom and Dad divorced. Dad felt it was easier to not be in the picture. The end. I no longer pine for that special daddy/daughter relationship that I was *so sure* we would have if he had been around.

I no longer throw my hand to my forehead in dramatic fashion over the fact that both biological dad and adoptive dad chose to dump and run. I don't care why. Ok. Maybe I care a little bit.

I understand their choices on some level. I'll never know HOW they could do that, yet their absence impacted me as much as their presence would have.

 Eight years ago, I was briefly reacquainted with adoptive dad. It has again been years since we've spoken and that's ok.

 Someday, I may have a chance to talk to biological dad. That would be good. Awkward probably, but putting a name to a face and asking a couple of questions of him would help. I don't long for that day as much as I did before either, though.

 What I need to do now is let go of the automatic anger and sarcasm that I've carried around so long. I recognize my 'default response' and am trying to correct it. It may be like closing the barn door after the horses escape, but it's a process.

 I'm working on it.

http://mycircuslife.blogspot.com/2008/06/fathers.html
(here's a link to something I wrote about the Dad thing in 2008)

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